THE SITUATION
Last Friday I attended a Change of Command Ceremony on Naval Station Norfolk for two naval aviator friends of mine. This centuries-old naval tradition is a formal ceremony when the crew assembles to witness the complete transfer of accountability and responsibility to the new commanding officer. I am fairly new to the business world but I suspect there are no bands playing when most CEOs depart.
It is customary for each to give remarks to the crew and guests and after having attended hundreds of these during my career, I pay wicked close attention to the number of times either the outgoing or incoming commanding officer use “we, our, us” compared to “I, me, or my.” For me, this language is a snapshot into where the culture of the command has been or where it might be going. At this ceremony, both captains used significantly more “we” than “me,” which was not surprising because they are both respected, caring leaders.
The next day, I met with a friend who had a different experience in an email exchange with a peer that started out as a congenial two-way dialog, but this came to a screeching ego-fueled halt with the peer’s conversation killing “This is what I want to do…this is best for me…for my career….blah…blah…” comments. These two wildly different “we to me” ratios reminded of my favorite comedian, Brian Regan.
THE DEBRIEF
My wife and I saw Brian perform 20 years ago and became huge fans after he had us crying laughing 20 seconds into his show. I came across this clip years ago where he offers sound leadership advice: BEWARE THE ‘ME’ MONSTER.
We’ve all been around the Me Monster and listened to it use “I, me, my” in every sentence at work, in a meeting, at lunch, at conference, or at business dinner. Who wants to be around someone like that? No one. Who wants to be led by someone like that? No one.
Speaking this way does not build team morale or improve culture because people generally want to feel that they are working together to accomplish a collective mission and are part of a team, contributing to something bigger than themselves. By using “our” more than “I”, a leader strengthens the team bond and serves as a subtle reminder that they are working ON a team and not working FOR a Me Monster.
In life or leadership, don’t be lured into the Me Monster’s Nest of Narcissism. Here is some gouge to overcome the tractor beam that is trying to pull you in.
THE GOUGE
Beware the Me Monster. Use team-focused pronouns (we/our/us) more than self-centered pronouns (I/me/my), with the exceptions of “I don’t know” or “Blame me” or “That is my fault.” Have someone in your inner circle be your “truth teller” and give feedback on your usage. What are your trends? What is the organization hearing?
Conduct a conversation debrief. Hold a ten second self-debrief after you have a conversation with someone. Ask: Did I learn anything new about the person I just talked to? Or do they know more about me? Who did most of the talking?
Be like Burrow. When Joe received the Heisman Trophy, the FIRST people he thanked was the LSU offensive line. He attributed the award to their efforts not his. The rest of his speech was about “others before self” and that is why he is a close second in my book of sh!t hot leaders right behind Tom Brady (the pre-Tampa Bay TB, to be clear).
Show them you care and beware the Me Monster!